Cattula

Trying to Find the Sweet Spot

So, like most modern day parents, I have a tendency to obsess over my parenting. 

Am I attentive enough?  Too attentive?  Is it ok to have child care?  Should I have someone come to the house or send him somewhere?  If we really scraped by, could I stop working?  Would that be fair to him - if it make us less stable?

I had lunch with a friend the other day.  And while I feel like I practice "attachement parenting lite" - she practices a more formal type of it.  And being with her makes me question all my decisions anew.  She works w/o daycare - maybe I should do that too.  But I did do that - and it make me insane.  And I am so much less stressed out now.

I really think it comes down to knowing yourself and knowing your child and finding the solution that meets your sets of needs in the right way.  I choose to partially wean and have part-time childcare.  She feeds almost no solids at 11 months and has no paid childcare.  In the end - though - what matters is the love - the attachment.  And our bond is strong.

As Steve said to me the other night - Ben never calls out in the night for Cecilia - he calls out for me.  I am his mama.  And I will always be.  And for that I am truly, truly blessed.

Mom's Group Dropout (Or at least aspiring to...)

It's happening again.  I've logged onto facebook.  And there they are.  The pictures.

A large group of moms and babies - on a playdate, at a muesum, or some other event.  I know everyone there.  And I wasn't invited.

And on some level I am completly ok with that.  But on another - well....It's all so high school.  And that is exactly how it leaves me feeling - high school, alone, uninvited, questioning why I am not liked, scanning the contents of my mind for what I did or said and when....

The truth is the explanation is probably simple.  I'm a work at home mom.  And I hang out with a lot of stay at home moms.  And they just don't get my schedule - no matter how many times I explain it.  It's like there is this wall between us.  On some level I am jealous of them - they get to be home and just be home - not home with an email to send, an attorney's ego to soothe, a paper to get out.  And on some level they probably resent me - a two income family, a back-up plan built in.

But then there are also the other lines that divide - carefully etched.  To breastfeed or not.  To co-sleep or cry it out.  To make your own baby food or use the store bought variety. 

I consider myself to be practicing "attachment parenting light."  I got an epidural - but not until the very end - so it never really kicked in - my "almost natural" birth.  I co-sleep.  I'm breastfeeding.  Still.  At 14 months, I'm not sure when I will stop.

Then again - maybe it has nothing to do with the mommy wars.  With working or not.  With co-sleeping or cry it out.  Maybe it is because I tend to exaggerate too much.  Maybe it is because I've never managed to be a glass half full type.

Whatever the reason - the fact is - I'm okay.  I may not be the most popular mom or the most liked mom.  But I am a mom.  Which means that for now - at least - there is one person who thinks the world of me - the one who is napping upstairs right now.  And I have my close friends.  My confidants.  I belong to some.  But I don't belong to everyone.  And that is okay.

As moms,  some day we will have to teach our children to accept their limits.  And a lesson first lived is a lesson much more delicately taught.

He Fell Asleep without Nursing for the Second Time Ever Tonight...

I mean - technically - he has gone to sleep w/a bottle before bed before.  But last week, instead of nursing and then playing w/my hair - he just played w/my hair and drifted off to sleep.  I figured it was just a fluke and wouldn't happen again for a long time - but it happened again tonight.

It's just odd - I remember when he was first born and he lived in the ergo.  I used to worry he would never learn to crawl or walk because I wore him so much - but over time he was in it less and less and now he is toddling everywhere...

And we nursed to sleep from infancy until about 11 months - we started nursing and then playing w/my hair afterwards.  I used to think I would never be able to put him to sleep w/o nursing.  Now I see how quickly these stages really do go by.  I think in some ways it will help me be more patient if/when there is a seocnd..

 I will still offer to let him nurse before bed and I'm sure he will continue to accept for some time to come.  But I can see how it could someday - and it is beautiful/too fast/right on time - all at once...