The title is a paraphrase of a popular bible verse - one my mom has always said she finds creepy. But I was thinking about it this morning, while I was watching Ben play on the bed, holding onto the window sill and boucning up and down, reveling in the morning light. A year ago I didn't know if we would have a boy or a girl. Two years ago we didn't know if we would ever have a baby at all. And now - when I look at him - he seems so inevitable. How could I not have known?
How could I not have seen those blue eyes in my dreams? How could I have not known that heady smell of baby on my shoulder as he drifted off to sleep?
We are working on weaning now. Up to this point - believe it or not - Ben has breastfed almost every two hours at night. At the height of his reflux it was every hour and half. I'm very proud that I made it this far. I may continue to breastfeed - but my goal is to cut down - enough to let my fertility re-emerge - enough to get more of a sense of privacy back. I hope to be down to two to three times per day in a couple weeks. We are there now - it is just that at night - he breastfeeds much more frequently.
But last night we left the door open and when he woke his cry had changed. It wasn't full of fear - and I feel comfortable now - to stay with him - to walk through this weaning together. We play with his ball, we pet the cat, we wait for sleep to come.
I love you baby boy. And as you grow - be gentle - don't leave me behind too quickly.
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